Friday, 5 November 2010

Can't sleep

Isn't it funny sometimes when you know so many people but still feel totally alone?

That you find yourself wondering who will catch you and pick you back up, and that even the closest people in your life still feel too far away?

Or when you try asking for a little help, just to see if it works, no one can think of what to say to put that smile back on your face?

It goes through my head all the time. Everyone always says that phrase that's thrown around so thoughtlessly - "I'm here if you need me". But when you need them their not there.

I've been feeling rubbish all night. On IV's again, although that doesn't really bother me as such since I'm at home doing them. I'm just feeling fed up. Everyone gets that right? Maybe it's the crappy weather, or the fact I've been stuck indoors since the weekend. But the most stupid thing set me off and I've felt pretty pants ever since. All over my stupid oxygen.
I made plans to go out with my mate Chris to the cinema but when I was about to swap over to my portable oxygen to leave the house, it wasn't working. Then by the time I got it working, the film had already started. So it was another night alone in the house.

I just get so angry and jealous over these tubes. Why can't I just be like everyone else and be allowed to leave the house on a whim without having to plan it hours before so I can fill up this daft contraption to help me breathe?

I never really know what to do when I get upset. Because it's not very often it happens.
I could try talking to my mum, but she just stares at me and doesn't reply. I could try asking my boyfriend to come and see me or talk to me for a while, but he's out with his mates and says he'll talk to me later but I don't hear from him again. Or I could talk to a friend, but no one ever knows what to say.

I don't want to hear "aww thats a shame, chin up you'll feel better soon" or "I don't know what to say to that" or those who just conveniently say they have to go.

What do I want?
I just want someone to listen to me rant every once in a while.
To cuddle me when I feel like crying.
To turn up at my door with an arm full of DVD's and comfort food.
To tell me something funny that happened in their day to make me laugh again.
To just be there. When I need them.

Am I asking for too much?