Monday, 23 August 2010

Too many thoughts

There's so much stuff swimming about in my head and to be honest I'm feeling a bit low. I don't like going in for a full-on big moan because I've always believed that if you just keep smiling and find the positives when your down, then you'll be back up in no time. But every now and again I can't help but feel a bit shitty and just can't seem to pull myself out of this one.

I'll say sorry first if half of this doesn't make sense or is all muddled up cause what's in my head is all muddled and I'm just writing whatever pops into my head. If it doesn't make much sense to me then i doubt it'll make much sense to anyone reading this. But really I'm mostly just writing it down to get it out my system and see if by seeing it in words will make me feel a bit better, rather than writing to all you out there.

Firstly, before I start my rambling, I just wanna say I really really apreciate all of you who have sent me messages and comments on facebook, comments on my blog or texts telling me your thoughts on my post or just how it's affected you. Actually, I wanna say thanks for reading this full stop. I never thought so many people would actually read this and especially never expected all the really nice messages I've had. Even people who I've never spoken to before in my life or only know from passing in school have come forward and said some of the nicest things. Every wee message, comment, text or even when you all 'like' when I post the link to my entires on Facebook, really cheers me up and makes me smile. It reminds me why I'm doing this and makes me realise that there are loads of really nice people who care. So no I don't find it weird if you comment or message me even if I dont know who you are or we're not mates or we've never spoken before. It still means alot to me.

So I've been in my bed the whole day. Haven't even bothered to open my curtains or get changed or showered. Not cause I'm unwell or tired. Just cause sometimes I don't see the bloody point. I try looking on the bright side of everything and I know things could always be a lot worse. But sometimes I just get like this and I suppose it wouldn't be human if I didn't give in to it every now and again? I look at people living their life every day. Mostly on Facebook I see people my age talking about work, college, uni, plans for their day, nights out with mates, holidays they've had an amazing time on, gigs they've bought tickets for and I spend hours looking through photos of other peoples nights out or weeks in the sun. And I can't help but feel jealous, maybe even a bit bitter. Cause I want that. I want the chance to do all these things. But I can't. I'm held back by tubes and a failing body.

Even the tiny things that everyone takes for granted. I did too before I got really ill. But I see so many people go through every day not even taking second thought about the things their so lucky to beable to do.

walk up the stairs and not spend 10 minutes trying to catch your breath again
leave the house and not worry about having to be home before the 5 hours is up when your portable oxygen is gonna run out
take a shower without having to sit down
walk through a shopping centre without having to hire a wheelchair to get you there
laugh without taking a coughing fit straight after it
make your bed without it tiring you out so much you wanna crawl right back into it

I could make that list go on forever. Nearly everything in my day has to be thought out and planned. I don't want to have to do that anymore. I wanna be able to wake up, get ready, leave the house and stay out as long as I want and go where I want.

This transplant seriously can't come soon enough. But then I'm not even officially on the list yet as we're still waiting on some blood test results before they can put my name on the transplant list. So I don't even have that hope yet that 'tomorrow I could get the call'. And realistically I could wait 6 months, a year, 2 years for those lungs. Realistically I might not get them atall. Then if I am lucky enough to get a transplant, it's no easy way out. The pain will be terrible, my body will most likely try to reject the lungs a few times, it'll take me nearly a year to recover fully and I might only get a couple of years of normality out of it. Or of course, what I hoped would be my new chance at life could finish me off. These are all pretty morbid thoughts. But their also realistic ones. There's no point in pretending it'll happen really soon and all will go really well and that'll be my life sorted. Cause I'll just be let down and dissapointed when I realise thats not how it really is.

It's hard to pull yourself out of bed everyday or focus on the future when right now the good points in life seem to slowly be fading away. You loose nearly all your mates (they just start dissappearing off the scene and speaking to you less and less), although its shown who my real ones are (even if there are very few). The relationship with who you love starts falling to bits and you find yourself arguing more than your smiling. And these things create a sort of chain reaction which affects other bits of your life. Without friends you spend more and more time at home cause there's no one to go make plans with or hang out - the kind of things that help keep your mind off how much has changed and cling onto some sort of normality.

I want to do things
I want to start making a life for myself
I want to just have to worry and complain about silly things like how bad my hangover is after a night out with my mates

I want to be a normal 18 year old
I want to live

I've just spent the past 20 minutes or so complaining and feeling sorry for myself but I know tomorrow I'll wake up and find something that will get me out of bed and feel stupid for posting this. But even now I'm feeling a bit better now that I've put it all down. Or maybe it's the Tramadol kicking in and I'm actually just high.

Who know's but I guess tomorrow's another day right?

8 comments (+add yours?)

Scott said...

I guess it makes two of us being up at weird times tonight, I thought I was the only one. Ive read yer wee blogs since you started firing them up and I must say that they give a real deep insight into what your going through and how your feeling even if as you say your putting a brave face on it from time to time. I've found when I've had a lot on my mind, if I'm feeling low, that writing a blog helps me vent.

I guess I should have thought more about what I was going to say when I posted this lol. Don't put yourself down for writing about how your feeling, its a good way to express yourself and it may even give the people that don't know how to be your friend anymore with your recent changes a greater insight into what your going through and how it makes you feel. Tbh those that have disappeared have lost a great person and although I don't know you well, I'm happy to know you a bit even if my brother has been a bit of a dick in cutting his mates off for the most part. I know feeling low seems like the only way to be at times, I've battled with depression on and off for the last 3 or so years, and while its not life threatening, I can understand what it feels like to want to just stay in bed and not do anything. Dont get me wrong, Im not comparing my situation to yours as apart from that feeling they are very different. But the fact that you find the strength to post this in the first place is a credit to yourself really.

Take care Lou. I hope your able to get some rest soon.


Chriss said...

Heey LouLou!

Just been catching up with you're blogs evey time I get a free moment and this one really touched me. I love you're thought to vent using this, I used to do it when I was feeling down, and it does help. Alot.

Im also glad you decided to do this because it means I can keep myself (amongst others im sure)upto date on how you are since I'm not around very much anymore. (not by choice and hopefully sooner or later I'll be closer again)

Im sorry again for not coming to see you when I was up last.. You dont know how shit I feel about it, I just wish I had more time when I was up. I hope to see you soon Lou Lou.

Love ya always wee yin! =)


Auntie morag HK said...

Auntie morag from Hong Kong says ...........

I looked after you when you were only 18 months old when your mum was unable to as she was sick herself. You were so cute and i loved you like my own two kids. we had such fun at the weekends , watching you playing saying funny things, i remember we bought you a little dolls pram, your big cousin neil who was 12 at the time took out out for a walk to the shops, he came back saying " never again , she went up every garden path on the way there and back " !!!.

At that time we never knew that you had CF, You were always ill, coughing and spitting up , many a night a sat up with you for hours as you coughed and were very sick, i would call the doctor the next day to be told that it was another chest infection.but just like now you always had a smile on your face the next morning as i picked you up out of your cot no mater painful the night before had been.

What you have just posted shows confidence and strength as a person who is traveling a painful journey and can still find the time and strength to write it down , what you have posted today makes me feel sad but determined to make things better for everybody around me are a real inspiration to people who may for one reason or another find it hard to get out of bed today .x

Hugs & kisses have a good day

Auntie morag x

Stuart Duffy said...

You always put such a brave face on things when, inside, you feel differently that approach takes strength.

You take a philosophical approach to life that inspires others, that philosophy takes strength.

You set standards that others only find in later life, usually through adversity or maturity.

So groan, grumble and complain a little because every now and again we forget that you face challenges in life.

I support what Christopher Reeve said when he gave the definition of a 'hero', he said "I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."

I think it's incredibly brave to voice your fears and reveal your emotions, it offers the rest of us an insight to a person we think is unstoppable.

Lastly, I know you will succeed because, in many ways, you have accomplished so much already.

Your Fan, Friend and fellow Photographer (way to many 'f' sounds there)


Emma Shears said...

I'm so sorry. I wish there was more I could say, I wish I could put a smile on your face and make you laugh and feel good. You are an amazing person Louise.

We might not talk much but you are in my thoughts. If you need to talk, please know I am there for you. It's okay to moan :) I moan even more than you, lets have a catch up and a good moan together!

anne said...

Louise you are an INSPIRATION to everyone. You are entitled to feel low some days. It takes a lot of effort to stay upbeat when you feel done in. Writing your thoughts helps to clear your mind especially if you can't sleep.
I had many dark days when I was diagnosed with cancer when Rachael was 2. After my op it was hard both physically and mentally. Lots of people don't want to go there and you can feel lonely. The closer they are to you, the harder it is. Glad lots of support coming your way. no such things as blogs in those days! Wish there had been. Still here to tell the tale, so sending you positive thoughts and hope tomorrow you feel a bit stronger. Anne xx

Tori said...

I think it's mad how easily the word inspirational gets thrown around but then again maybe to ohers we are inspirational, I just see myself as living my life as best I can.

Your a strong girl and like you said today is a feel sorry for yourself day and tomorrow will be better.

I'm guessing they've told you that they're going to accept you on the list and your just waiting for micro biology. Don't let the thoughts of recovery cloud your hope of transplant, the pain is totally worth it!! You may only get a couple years but then again you might get 20 years, you need to focus on the 20 years and not let the negative thoughts in, but if some manage to sneak in push them right back out!!

Loving the blogging
V xx

Anonymous said...

Stay strong Louise :)

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